Narrator This is the story of Red Riding Hood.
I’m sure you have heard it before.
But please stay around and watch if you would,
This time there’s quite a bit more.
Red has a friend, her name is Sally.
Now let’s get on with it...shall we?
(Scene opens to Red and Sally sitting in Red’s bedroom. Sally is putting her face on.)
Red There’s really no need to get all done up. Grandma doesn’t even see my zits. I’m sure she won’t care about your bruises.
Sally No, but I will.
Red How did you get them anyway?
Sally Oh, it was nothing important. I was going to the bathroom in the middle of the night, ran into the door then slipped on the rug.
Red Oh, like last time, huh?
(slightly disbelieving)
Sally No, last time it was the stairs. So, don’t believe me if you don’t want to.
Anyway, did you see the new boy on the bus?
Red No, didn’t even notice him.
(Rummages around in the make up and comes up with lipstick)
Can I put this lipstick on?
Sally Help yourself. The new boy is really cute. I heard his name was
John. Too bad he gets off after my stop.
Red (Giggles) I look funny in this color. Who really cares about boys
anyway, they are dirty, smelly and mean.
Sally I do! Besides, I haven’t had a boyfriend for at least a month.
Red (Sarcastically) Great tragedy. You go through boyfriends like toilet paper. They seem to last everyone else a while, look at DeeDee and Jake.
(Red’s mom comes in)
Mom Okay, girls, almost time to get going. I need to go shopping later this afternoon and I’ll pick you up if it’s raining. You both look lovely. Here’s the basket for Grandma, it’s got her medicine inside, so be careful with it.
Red We will, Mother.
Mom Oh, Sally, your father called after you had gone to bed last night, he
wanted me to drop you off at your Uncle Fred’s so he could drive
you home this evening.
Sally No! Can I stay just another night? Please, I’m sure they won’t mind.
Red Yeah, please? Sally and I are having fun.
Mom Oh, I suppose, but I’ll call your mother and check before I leave for shopping.
Red and Sally Yeah!
Sally Thanks a bunch!
(Everyone exits stage left...)
Narrator So Red and Sally are on their way,
Two friends in the woods on a bright, sunny day.
They haven’t a care,
They are quite unaware,
Of things that wait, upon their way.
(Scene changes to woods.)
(The girls enter stage right, walk hand in hand to the center.)
Sally It’s my turn to carry the basket.
Red (Red hands the basket to her, Sally starts to look inside.) Get your
hands out of there. It’s for Grandma, not you.
Sally (Stops) Oh, come on, I won’t take anything, I just want to see
what’s in there.
Red No, we shouldn’t, it’s not nice.
Sally No one will know, besides, aren’t you even the tiniest bit curious?
Red Well, I suppose, but that doesn’t mean I should. Grandma has a right to privacy
and I don’t really think there’s anything in there that has anything to do with me.
Sally Aren’t you the little Miss. (She starts to open the basket) I’m going to look.
Red No! (Red grabs the basket and steps back.) I said no, leave it alone,
It’s not your stuff.
Sally Well, sorry (sarcastically)
Red If you can’t keep your paws out of Grandma’s stuff, I’ll go without you, who knows what you’ll get into next.
Sally Well fine, go if you want. I’m quite happy right where I am, alone.
(Red walks off stage left. Sally sits for a while. She gets up angrily and picks some
flowers then throws them away and follows Red. Exit stage left.)
Narrator A quarrel between friends is a sad thing indeed,
but respect is a thing everyone needs.
Fairness and truth,
must be learned well in youth
to avoid crooked habits and crooked deeds.
(Scene changes to more woods and Mr. Wolfe standing in the center.)
Mr. Wolfe (Runs onstage, checks to either side of him. Pulls out a purse.)
Didn’t need it anyaways lady! (Fiddles with latch) They sure are making
purses a little harder these days.
(Rummages through and pulls out a watch and puts back in, pearls, jewels
credit cards, cash, underwear and bra...)
Red (Whistles from off stage)
Mr. Wolfe (Tosses the bag and hides behind a bush)
Red (Walks on stage right, whistling, stops stage center, looks around, smiles at the
audience and keeps going.)
(Mr. Wolfe is peeking out from behind the bush when she stops. As she passes the bush
he sneaks out from the other side and starts to follow her, but steps on a twig and it snaps,
getting Red’s attention. She turns, sees him. He smiles quickly
and starts talking.)
Mr. Wolfe Why hello, and what is a little lady like you doing in the forest today?
Red Just going to my Grandma’s. She’s... (Mr. Wolfe grins and scares Red)
Well, I really shouldn’t be talking to strangers, and she is expecting me.
I should be going.
Mr.Wolfe (Grabs her free hand and shakes it.) I’m Mr. Wolfe, I mean Mr. Wolly and
you are...
Red Red Ridinghood, but everyone just calls me Red.
Mr. Wolfe (Takes a step toward her, she steps back) Well, now we aren’t strangers. So how far is your Grandma’s. These woods are awfully big and I’d hate
for you to get lost.
Red I can get there on my own, I’ve done it before. I visit Grandma every
week. I have to deliver her medicine, and the way the basket smells, I
think I have muffins this time, too. You shouldn’t worry, it’s just down
the road, about a mile, I think.
Mr. Wolfe Oh how sweet of you to visit your poor infirm grandmother.
Red Oh, she’s actually very lively, she gets around. But’s she’s had a cold recently.
Mr. Wolfe How old is your grannie anyway?
Red Oh, in her late 60s I think, but I’m not too sure. She doesn’t like to talk
about it.
Mr. Wolfe Would you like an escort? This forest can be dangerous.
Red Dangerous? What could possibly be dangerous? Little bunny rabbits and
squirrels? (She laughs)
Mr. Wolfe (Puts his arm around her shoulders) Wolves, Red, wolves. Big scary
things with enormous teeth, bad breath and matted dirty hair. (He
smoothes his own hair and smiles, and checks his breath)‘
Red I’ve never seen a wolf here before...
Mr. Wolfe (Taps Red’s shoulder and howls) There’s one now. I think you
might want someone with you, just in case.
Red Well, I just don’t know...
Mr. Wolfe (Taps Red on the shoulder and howls again) Another one, sounds like
a whole pack of them. I’d make up my mind if I were you.
(Sally enters stage right, Red goes to her)
Sally There you are, I was wondering where you got to.
Red Just right here. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get that upset, it’s only
a stupid basket.
Sally That’s okay, but who’s he? (Pointing to Mr. Wolfe)
Red A uh...friend, his name is Mr. Wolly.
Sally Are you sure it’s not Ernie Wolfe? He looks like my Mom’s step
brother. The guy always gave me the creeps.
Red Sally! He’s really very nice. He was just offering to walk me to
Grandma’s.
Sally What a load! He’s nasty looking. Big teeth, greasy hair. I’ll bet
he’s got bad breath, too.
Red He does!
Sally Hey Red, check out those flowers. (Points downstage)
Red Oh, those are beautiful. I’ll bet Grandma would just love some.
(She goes off to pick some)
Mr. Wolfe (Walks over to Sally) Why, hello. Any friend of Red’s is a friend
of mine.
Sally Well, that doesn’t include me.
Mr. Wolfe Well, I’m sure we can fix that. What’s your name, little lady?
Sally I’m taking a real good bet you alreay know my name, Uncle Ernie.
That’s who you are, isn’t it? Shaving off the whiskers doesn’t help,
and what did you do to your hair?
Mr. Wolfe I am afraid you have mistaken me for someone else.
Sally Not likely, you always were a creep. Just like the rest of the mob I
have to call family. Did you ever get in touch with Uncle Bob? I re
member a few years back he had a drunken fit and was promising to
kill you.
Mr. Wolfe Who’s Bob? This must be a case of mistaken identity, my name is Mr.
Wolly. And your name is?
Sally Look, mister. If you aren’t my uncle, then I don’t know who you are, and
I don’t think I really want to. I’ve known too many guys just like you..
Mr. Wolfe I’m just a friend of, ah, Grandma’s, yeah, Red’s grandmother is an old
friend of mine. We go way back.
Sally I know she’s old, but if she’s a friend of yours, then I’m Marilyn Monroe.
Mr. Wolfe Why Norma Jean, you haven’t aged a bit...(puts his arm around her
shoulders) Come now, don’t judge me too harshly.
Sally (Looks at his arm with distaste, picks it off and drops it) Just stay away
from Red. She ain’t family. Red, come on, it’s getting late.
(Red comes back with a bunch of flowers, she starts to wave to Mr. Wolfe, but Sally
drags her away, stage left)
Mr. Wolfe (Pulls out pocket book) Psychiatrist, ah, blow him off. Bob, who’s Bob?
Parole Officer, forget him. Got milk? No (writes in the book) Grandma’s
house. Ah hah! (puts book away and starts counting off on his fingers)
Get Grandma, get loot, get girls! (licks his lips)
Narrator A sinister character, if I do say,
Can’t trust his version of the time of day.
A helpless old lady is his target now,
We’ve all heard the story, so we think we know how.
(Scene changes to Grandma’s house)
(Mr. Wolfe enters stage right, peeks in windows, grins and snickers, then rips up
some flowers in the flowerbed and makes it into a bouquet. He smoothes his hair
and goes to knock on the door 3 times, briskly)
Grandma (calls from inside) Hello. Come in, I’ll be with you in a second.
Mr. Wolfe (Grins at the audience and enters)
(Grandma turns around to find Mr. Wolfe standing there smiling and holding out flowers)
Grandma (taking flowers) Why thank you, young man. And what is this for?
Mr. Wolfe Well, nothing but (shrugs) you, really. I thought you’d like them.
(Grandma puts flowers in vase on table)
Grandma My favorite flowers, you are too kind. What was your name, I
don’t recall knowing you.
Mr. Wolfe The name’s Howler, T. J. Howler. What a lovely frock you’re wearing.
Grandma Oh, it’s just an old bag, T. J. I can call you T. J. can’t I?
Mr. Wolfe Of course...
Grandma (Interrupting) I have a wonderful idea, why don’t I go and slip into
something more comfortable?
Mr. Wolfe Of course, that’s a brilliant suggestion.
Grandma (Giggle) Just stay right there and help yourself to anything you like.
(Mr. Wolfe sneaks after Grandma as soon as she’s off stage, waits, makes a slamming
sound and comes back dangling a key. He gets out his bag and starts putting stuff in it.
Narrator It’s easy to see that Wolfe’s on a roll,
He’ll count his success by the things that he stole,
Old Grannie’s freedomm is not his concern,
But events are about to take a turn.
The girls come on laughing and giggling.
Sally So did you hear the one about the monkey and the wolf?
Red No, but knowing your jokes, I think it’s going to have to wait.
Sally Oh, right, Grandma. It’s not my fault all I know is dirty jokes, besides,
they’re the best kind
(Red opens the door and they walk in)
Red Hi Grandma, we’re here! Where’s Grandma?
Sally I dunno, maybe she’s taking a nap or a walk or something.
Mr. Wolfe I’m over here, dearies.
Red Oh, Grandma, there you are, we brought you your medicine. Are
you okay? (She puts basket by the bed)
Mr. Wolfe I’m fine, and how are you, and who’s your friend here?
Sally I’m Sally, remember, I met you at Red’a birthday party.
Mr. Wolfe Oh, yes, now I remember. My memory is starting to go, I’m so
sorry, Norma Jean, I mean Sally. There you see, it only gets worse.
Red Well, I hope you remember me at least. We were thinking that you
could make cookies with us.
Mr. Wolfe That sounds marvelous. Say, you are both looking so nice today.
Red Thanks!
Sally (Sticks her tongue out at Red) Told you.
Red (Puts a hand on her hip) Humph!
Mr. Wolfe (Turns a little under the covers and shows his boots)
Sally (Grabs Red and shows her) Army Boots?! Red, that sure ain’t your
Grandma. I think we better leave, now!
Mr. Wolfe (Jumps out of bed and starts after Sally) Come here, you little brat!
Oh, I sure knew you the minute I saw you!
Red (As Mr. Wolfe gets out of bed, she grabs the shotgun under the bed and
aims at Mr. Wolfe) Get away from her! Sally, over here, quick!
Sally (Goes over to Red) Don’t shoot him in the house, it’ll be messy.
And what about your Grandma?
(Grandma is in the closet and pounds on the door. On the third pound, it opens. She
comes out and brings lingerie possibilities over to Mr. Wolfe)
Grandma Which one do you like, T.J.?
(Mr. Wolfe grabs Grandma, spins her towards the girls) Girls, put the gun away right now! Red, I told you never to point that at
a person except when you are in danger!
Red We were! This guy was after Sally, he was going to do something awful.
Grandma No, T. J. wouldn’t do anything of the sort, now would you T.J.?
(She winks at him then gets cuddly)
Sally Who’s T.J.? That thing right there is my Uncle Ernie. (Pointing at him)
Mr. Wolfe (Looks horrified) I really should be going, girls. Bob’s
expecting me...(Inches toward door)
Grandma No, the only place you are going is right here. (She pats the bed, then
throws him on it. Gets basket by the bed, pulls out muffins, pill bottle
and puts on bedside table)
Sally This is sick, I think I’m going to hurl.
Red I never imagined.....
Mr. Wolfe Help me, please, Red, your Grandma has gone insane!
Red If you think I’m going to help you, you’re the one who’s gone crazy.
Sally A taste of your own medicine, so to speak.
Grandma I think it’s time you girls should be getting home. Thank you for bringing my
medicine. Don’t forget to put the gun down on your way out.
And now, T. J., I have some business to attend to! (Starts digging under
the bed, Mr. Wolfe tries to get up, Grandma smiles and gestures at the shotgun, clamps an arm down)
Red And I thought guys were gross before.
Sally You should see what my Mom married.
Red Thanks, Grandma.
Sally So long, sucker.
Grandma You stay right there, T. J. I’ve got just the thing for you under my bed!
Mr. Wolfe (Pleadingly) Be gentle!
The End
